You Feel Guilty. Does That Mean You Did Something Wrong

You said no. Maybe someone asked you to help with something, and for once, you didn’t rearrange your entire day to make it happen. Maybe you didn’t answer the phone, decided not to go, or simply said, “I need some time to think about that.”

And then it started. That uncomfortable feeling in your stomach. The second-guessing. The urge to explain yourself. Maybe you started building a case in your own head for why your decision was reasonable. Before long, you were asking yourself, Did I do something wrong?

For many of us, guilt has become almost automatic when we do something another person might not like. But feeling guilty and being guilty are not necessarily the same thing.

What If the Feeling Is Information?

Think about physical pain for a moment. If your knee suddenly starts hurting every time you walk upstairs, the pain tells you something deserves your attention. It doesn’t tell you what the diagnosis is. You become curious. Where does it hurt? When did it begin? What makes it worse? Did something happen? The pain gives you information, and then you investigate.

Emotional discomfort can work that way, too. That knot in your stomach after saying no may deserve your attention, but it doesn’t automatically mean you should go back and say yes. The guilt you feel when someone is disappointed with you may be worth noticing, but it doesn’t automatically mean you did something wrong. The discomfort after speaking honestly may have something important to tell you, but it doesn’t automatically mean you should take back what you said.

Discomfort is information, not instruction.

So what is the discomfort telling you? That’s where curiosity comes in. Maybe the decision you made really doesn’t sit well with you. Maybe you spoke more harshly than you intended. Maybe there is something that belongs to you, and you want to take responsibility for it.

But there are other possibilities. Maybe saying no is unfamiliar. Maybe someone is disappointed, and you’re accustomed to preventing that. Maybe you don’t know what happens next. Maybe the conversation reminded you of another time in your life. Maybe part of you wants reassurance that the relationship is still okay. Maybe you simply need more time before you know what you think.

The feeling itself cannot answer those questions for you. It can invite you to ask them.

You Don’t Have to Know Yet

I think we rush this part. We want the discomfort to go away, so we reach for the fastest way to make that happen. We apologize. We explain. We send the second text. We change our no to a yes. We smooth things over.

Sometimes that may be exactly what we ultimately choose to do. But what would happen if we gave ourselves a little more room before deciding?

Instead of immediately asking, “How do I make this feeling go away?” we can become curious about what is actually happening. What am I feeling? What am I assuming this feeling means? What do I know for certain? What am I afraid might happen? Do I need to do something right now?

Sometimes the most truthful answer will be, I don’t know yet.

That is an answer.

The next time guilt or discomfort arrives after a decision, see if you can notice the urge to immediately do something about it. You don’t have to argue with the feeling or judge yourself for having it. And you don’t have to obey it.

There may be something that needs your attention. There may be something you want to take responsibility for. Or you may discover that you are simply experiencing the discomfort of doing something differently.

You don’t have to decide which one it is in the first thirty seconds. Sometimes compassion for yourself looks like giving yourself enough time to find out.

Inside The Transforming Force, we’re spending October exploring Cultivating Compassion for Self & Others, including how to listen to discomfort without automatically letting it make our decisions for us.

If this feels familiar, come join us inside The Transforming Force.