When Who You Learned to Be Stops Working for You

For a long time, I thought the way I moved through the world was just the way everyone was.

Capable. Talented. Responsible. A get-it-done kind of person.

Then I learned that not everyone organized or viewed life through the same lenses I had.

My own healing work took those lenses off and asked me to look at something I had never looked at before:

How did the things I thought were important become important?

That question rocked my world.

At 49 years old, I finally realized that everyone in the world moves to their own beat. The bubble I grew up in wasn’t the bubble everyone else grew up in.

I thought everyone was like me. Like my parents. Like the authority figures I had known.

This was just the way the world was.

So it was shocking, to say the least, when I finally had to confront the question:

Why isn’t what I thought to be true working for me?

We have a tendency to put labels on others and ourselves.

You’re a people pleaser.

You’re hyper-independent.

You’re an overachiever.

You’re a perfectionist.

Maybe.

I became much more interested in what happened that earned us the label.

Maybe you became very independent because depending on someone wasn’t reliable.

Maybe being the responsible one got you praised.

Maybe being funny changed the energy in a tense room.

Maybe staying quiet kept you out of trouble.

Maybe excelling at school or sports was one of the few times you felt seen.

Maybe being agreeable helped you maintain connection with someone whose love or approval mattered deeply to you.

And maybe, like me, you learned something:

What I’m doing works.

It gets me noticed.

It keeps me safe.

Here’s something to ponder:

Do I continue to choose this, or do I believe I have to be this way?

There is a difference.

When a Strength Becomes a Requirement

I still love accomplishing things.

I love creating. Building. Learning. Figuring things out.

Achievement itself was never the enemy.

What I had to understand was what I expected achievement to give me.

Recognition.

Being seen.

Worth.

That changes things.

Because when a quality becomes connected to something we believe we need in order to belong, it can stop feeling like a choice.

The responsible woman can’t drop the ball.

The strong woman can’t need help.

The easygoing woman can’t be difficult.

The successful woman can’t fail.

The helpful woman can’t say no.

And pretty soon, we’re not simply expressing parts of our personality.

We’re maintaining them.

That’s exhausting.

Your Nervous System Remembers What Worked

Our brains and nervous systems are constantly learning from experience.

When something repeatedly brings connection, approval or safety, our system remembers.

And when something brings rejection, anger, punishment or disconnection, it remembers that too.

We don’t have to consciously think about any of this for the learning to affect us.

That’s part of why changing an old pattern can feel so strange.

You might intellectually know that you’re allowed to ask for help, but your body still doesn’t like it.

You might know you don’t have to do everything perfectly, but turning in something that’s simply good enough makes you squirm.

You might know you’re allowed to disagree with someone you love, but your stomach knots when you do.

Your reaction is information.

Something in you learned that the old way worked.

Now you get to decide whether it still does.

Get Curious About One Thing

Don’t make a list of everything about yourself you suddenly think needs fixing.

Because you’re not broken, and you don’t need fixing.

Choose one place to be curious.

Maybe you’re always the strong one.

Ask yourself:

When did being strong become important to me?

Then go underneath it.

What did being strong give you?

What happened when you weren’t strong?

Did you get attention? Recognition? Approval? Safety? Connection?

Did being strong simply feel good?

That’s allowed too.

Then ask the question that matters now:

Do I still want to be this way?

Maybe the answer is yes.

Wonderful.

Keep it.

But maybe you’d like to discover that you can be strong and ask for help.

Capable and uncertain.

Generous and able to say no.

Successful and able to rest.

Independent and still let someone take care of you sometimes.

The goal isn’t to tear apart your personality looking for everything that came from your past.

It’s to give yourself choices where there used to be requirements.

There may be parts of you that began as a way to belong and eventually became beautiful, genuine parts of who you are.

Keep them.

And there may be others you’re simply tired of carrying.

You get to look at those too.

The question isn’t:

Who am I supposed to be now?

You’ve probably had enough people answering that question for you.

Try this instead:

Who do I want to be now?