When Someone Else’s Certainty Feels Safer Than Your Own
I grew up trusting everyone else’s opinion about what I should do with my life over my own.
My parents had an opinion. Teachers. Church leaders. Husbands. Even my children. They frequently told me what I should be doing with my life.
And for the majority of my life, I followed what they thought.
Until my nervous system stopped me in my tracks.
In the midst of what looked like a successful career, company awards, that coveted six-figure income, trips around the world and all the trappings that go with “success,” I was miserable.
Mentally, emotionally and physically.
I wasn’t happy or fulfilled in my marriage, my career or, frankly, my life.
And my inner wisdom knew.
The day came when I finally listened to that inner wisdom. I pulled the cord on the train and got off.
I spent months in quiet, listening to hear more of what my inner wisdom had to share with me.
And in that listening, two major questions came forward:
What do I think?
What do I want?
When one has been conditioned to listen to everyone else, those questions are not easy to answer.
Because answering for yourself might feel unsafe or scary.
New territory. Uncharted waters.
My parents, well-meaning and loving, charted a path for all their kids. I dutifully followed that path. And when I married for the first time, I switched my allegiance from my parents to my husband and his beliefs, even though they were vastly different from mine.
Achievement had earned me recognition and helped me feel seen.
So the pattern continued. It just moved from winning musical contests to winning approval.
When I finally stopped long enough to listen to my inner wisdom and its questions of What do I think? and What do I want?, there were many voices I had to quiet that were playing in my head.
I had forgotten how to listen to my own voice.
Decision-making was never a problem for me.
The problem was that I was too used to saying yes to the decisions I thought would gain me the recognition and approval from others that I was desperately seeking.
I turned off my desires. I stopped following my dreams. Because having my mom notice me when I won some contest meant more.
Following everyone else’s desires for my life felt good because then I got noticed.
It felt safe.
I did what was expected. I wasn’t a rebel.
And these people all had the best of intentions for me. It’s just that their desires and mine didn’t always intersect.
It was when my inner wisdom finally had enough and REALLY got my attention that I started to understand what had happened.
You might be seeing some of yourself in my story. And you might have about 50 milliony questions coming up right about now.
Where have you been deferring instead of listening to your inner wisdom?
That’s a valid question to ask.
But there’s an even more important question:
Why did you?
Was it to make someone else happy? Earn approval? Keep the peace?
Or maybe the stakes were much higher. Maybe you learned that you could get hit if you didn’t make your bed or keep your room clean. Maybe disappointing a parent because you didn’t make the goal in the soccer game came with consequences.
Something, somewhere, taught you what was safe and what wasn’t.
And you started making choices accordingly.
As you think about this, ask yourself these two questions:
What do I think?
What do I want?
You may not be able to answer them right away. And that’s perfectly okay.
You’ve had everyone else’s voices in your head.
It’s time to tell them to sit down and be quiet.
You can start small.
The next time someone asks where you want to eat, notice whether your immediate response is, “I don’t care. Wherever you want.”
Then tell them you want Italian from that little place over there in the shopping center instead of Mexican down the street.
When someone asks you to do something, notice whether yes comes out of your mouth before you’ve even checked to see if you want to do it.
Then tell them you’ve instituted something new so you don’t get overcommitted, and you’re going to give them an answer in 24 hours.
When you have a decision to make, notice whose opinion you seek before you’ve formed one of your own.
Make a chart. On one side of the paper, list everyone else’s opinions. On the other side, list yours.
Then make your decision based on what is best for you.
There’s nothing wrong with asking people we trust what they think. I still do it.
The difference is that today, their voice isn’t the only one in the room.
Mine is there too.
It took me a long time to learn how to hear it again.
And now, when my inner wisdom speaks, I listen.
