When Saying No Feels Bigger Than Two Letters

For years, I thought saying no was about the decision.

Did I want to do something or not?

Was I available or not?

Did this work for me or not?

Seems pretty straightforward.

Except sometimes it isn’t.

Sometimes you finally say no and then spend the next three hours wondering if you should have said yes.

Was she disappointed?

Did I hurt his feelings?

Should I explain why?

Maybe I could make it work after all.

And before long, you’re negotiating against the decision you just made.

I think we’re very quick to call this a boundary problem.

Maybe.

But once again, I’m much more interested in the question underneath it:

Why does someone else’s disappointment feel so uncomfortable?

Your No Might Have Changed the Rules

Think about what we’ve been talking about this month.

Maybe you learned early that being helpful got you noticed.

Maybe being agreeable maintained connection.

Maybe keeping the peace helped you feel safe.

Maybe being dependable became part of how you knew you were valuable.

And then one Tuesday afternoon somebody asks you to do something and you say:

“No, I can’t.”

Two words.

Except your nervous system may not experience them as two little words.

You just did something different.

You changed a pattern.

And patterns are familiar.

Our nervous systems pay attention to what has happened before. If saying yes, accommodating, helping, achieving or staying quiet helped you maintain something important in the past, your system remembers.

So when you do something different, discomfort may show up.

That doesn’t automatically tell you the decision was wrong.

It may simply tell you the decision was new.

That distinction matters.

Someone Else Is Allowed to Be Disappointed

This one took me some time.

When we start making different choices, other people may have feelings about them.

They’re allowed.

Someone can be disappointed that you aren’t coming.

Someone can wish you had said yes.

Someone can disagree with your decision.

Someone can even be irritated with you.

And none of those reactions automatically means you need to change your answer.

I am responsible for how I communicate. I can be kind. I can be clear. I can take responsibility if I’ve made a commitment and need to change it.

But I cannot take responsibility for making sure nobody ever feels disappointed by one of my choices.

And here’s something else nobody tells us when we start listening to our inner compass:

The people around us may freak out a little.

Think about it.

They’ve known us one way for years.

We’re the one who says yes.

The one who handles it.

The one who doesn’t make a fuss.

The one who goes along.

And suddenly we don’t.

We say no.

We ask for something different.

We express an opinion they weren’t expecting.

We stop doing something we’ve always done.

They may lose their bearings for a minute.

That’s okay.

They’ll catch up.

Because while we’re learning a new way of showing up in our relationships, the people around us are learning something new too.

We’re teaching them how to communicate with us now.

That doesn’t require some big announcement that we have NEW BOUNDARIES.

We simply begin responding differently.

Consistently.

Kindly when we can.

Clearly when we need to.

And little by little, the relationship finds its new footing.

Not Every Uncomfortable Feeling Is a Warning

Our bodies communicate with us all the time.

I believe deeply in listening to that wisdom.

But part of learning to listen is also learning what we’re hearing.

Sometimes discomfort is telling us:

Pay attention. Something isn’t right.

And sometimes discomfort is saying:

Whoa. We’ve never done this before.

Those aren’t necessarily the same message.

If you’ve spent decades automatically saying yes, the first few no’s may feel awful.

If you’ve always explained your decisions until everyone understood and approved of them, saying, “That doesn’t work for me,” and stopping there may feel almost rude.

If you’ve always rushed in to fix things, watching someone struggle without rescuing them may make every cell in your body want to jump in.

Get curious.

What are you actually feeling?

And what do you believe will happen if you don’t go back to the old pattern?

There’s usually something interesting underneath the answer.

Try a 24-Hour No

Remember our 24-hour rule from last week?

Let’s use it again.

When someone asks you to do something and you aren’t sure, don’t automatically say yes.

Say:

“I need to check a few things. I’ll let you know tomorrow.”

Then pay attention to what happens inside you during those 24 hours.

Do you immediately start building a case for why you should do it?

Are you worried about disappointing them?

Do you feel guilty?

Are you imagining what they might think about you?

Notice it.

Then ask:

If nobody were disappointed with my answer, what would I choose?

That’s useful information.

It doesn’t mean your answer always has to be no.

Sometimes you’ll check in with yourself and discover that you genuinely want to say yes.

Great.

Now it’s a real yes.

You’re Learning Something New

Choosing differently can feel awkward at first.

Of course it can.

You may be changing something you’ve practiced for 20, 30, 40 or 60 years.

Give yourself a minute.

You don’t have to become the Queen of Boundaries by next Thursday.

Start noticing.

Start pausing.

Start letting yourself have a preference.

Say no occasionally when you mean no.

Say yes when you actually mean yes.

And when someone doesn’t love your answer, notice the urge to immediately make everything okay again.

You can be kind without changing your decision.

You can care about someone’s feelings without making those feelings yours to fix.

And sometimes the uncomfortable feeling that shows up after you choose yourself isn’t telling you to go back.

It’s simply what something new feels like.